IXL | Suggest appropriate revisions | 9th grade language arts

Read the following excerpt from a student essay. How can the writer best improve his or her sentence fluency?

If I became student council president, I would make significant changes at my school. I would help my fellow students by being the voice of the student body and communicating openly and effectively with the principal, board of education, school faculty and staff, and parents. For example, I would make every effort to represent students' interests on issues such as mobile phones in the classroom, healthy lunch options in the cafeteria, and improved showers and lockers in our gymnasium. In addition, I would focus on organizing more social events for students, including talent shows, sports tournaments, fashion shows, dances with exciting themes, and battle of the band competitions.

by varying sentence length

by combining sentences containing related information

ref_doc_title.

Learn with an example

question

Read the following excerpt from a student essay. How can the writer best improve his or her ideas and development?

Why is smoking cigarettes bad for your health? Cigarettes contain poisonous substances like carbon monoxide and tar, which can harm every part of your body. Smoking causes heart disease and damages your blood vessels. Eating a diet high in fat, sugar, and salt can also lead to heart disease. A lack of exercise contributes to heart disease, too. Smoking damages your lungs and can cause breathing problems or lung cancer. In fact, it can cause cancer in any organ in your body.

by focusing on one main idea

by stating the main idea clearly

key idea

During peer review, you read and respond to a fellow student's writing. While there are many methods and strategies that you can use for reviewing a text, it is generally helpful to frame your suggestions in concrete and constructive ways and to consider the following areas for revision:

Ideas and development: Does the writer express a clear idea and develop it with evidence, examples, or analysis?

Organization: Does the writer order ideas in a clear, logical way so that they build on one another and are easy to follow?

Voice: Does the writer maintain an appropriate voice, such as a formal and objective voice in an academic essay or an engaging and expressive voice in a narrative essay?

Sentence fluency: Does the writer use sentences that vary in structure and length to create a sense of rhythm and flow within and between sentences, or does the writing sound choppy, rambling, or repetitive?

Word choice: Does the writer use words accurately and precisely to create clear, effective, and engaging writing?

Grammar and mechanics: Does the writer follow appropriate conventions, using accurate spelling, punctuation, and grammar to create writing that is correct and easy to read?

solution

The writer could best improve his or her ideas and development by focusing on one main idea.

For example, the writer could remove the underlined text to focus only on the reasons why smoking cigarettes is bad for your health.

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Teacher tools

Work it out

Not feeling ready yet? These can help:

FF.7Is it a complete sentence, a fragment, or a run-on?

B.1Which text is most formal?

J.2Organize information by topic

L.3Choose the best evidence to support a claim

MM.5Commas: review

Y.2Positive and negative connotation

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